New Year // New Goals.

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk." -Dalai Lama

My oh my, I am a night owl. And I am going to regret this in the morning while I'm struggling through my law class, bright and early. But if my brain won't shut itself down, I may as well do something (semi) productive, right? :)

With the new year fast approaching, I've been thinking about what my resolution(s) should be. I always try the same things every year and fail... Miserably. No more Diet Coke! No more procrastinating! No more swearing (ha)! And I've come to realize, instead of adding something to my life to increase my happiness, I just focus on taking away the things that seem negative on the surface but honestly help make me who I am. Most people who see me everyday would probably be surprised if I didn't have a soda nearby and multiple curse words didn't come out of my mouth during the course of our conversation. As for procrastinating... I can only vouch for it by saying I work well under pressure and generally have exceptional results when I put things off until the last minute... Or perhaps that's my brain trying to subconsciously justify my bad habits. Who knows. :)

So instead of trying to pull pieces of myself away, this year I would like to add more positive elements to my world and not be afraid of making big changes. I get so comfortable sometimes, which is better than complacency, but I've come to realize my creature comforts could begin holding me back from the things I truly want in my life. I want to branch out--continue trying new activities, joining different circles of friends, putting myself outside my realm of normalcy--and be happy while doing it. For the past few months, I've really worked on this and I think I've been doing okay. But I can do better. And I will. And with my college graduation coming up in May and having the big, scary world looming right in front of me, I'm ready to hop on this new train and enjoy the ride.

In this same vein, I think I need to work on setting myself up for success but being okay with not achieving it. Or perhaps not achieving it right away. Friendships, classes, jobs, relationships... I've always tended to go with what has been right in front of me and available. Not necessarily easy, but available. I'm willing to work, and work hard, for the things that I want, but I don't always express clearly what I want. Or that I will make sacrifices and changes in order to find happiness in what I want. So I'll also be adding "get out on a damn limb and take a chance with telling someone how you feel" to my list of resolutions. Because life is too short to put on hold the people (and things, I suppose) that make me happy and make my world a better place. And not taking the risk of letting someone know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling--whether it is about them personally, or getting a job, anything--will only mean I won't be able to work for what I want. I've just got to figure out where the line of good timing and being patient is compared to the line of being assertive and confident.

I hear resolutions aren't always easy. :)

Finally, I hope the people in my life also realize the incredible impacts of positive emphasis and positive reinforcement and don't keep trying to do away with the things in their lives they always felt were "bad." I'll be sending out good thoughts to everyone I care about and hope they find some light and try something new--Not just in the New Year, but for the last month of 2011, as well. Send it off in style!

Also, completely off topic, I cannot quit listening to the song "Turning Page" by Sleeping at Last. It is so beautifully composed and calming... And the lyrics touch me in a way that makes it hard to shake the smile off my face. :) If you're looking for a sweet song to fall in love with this winter, I'd recommend this one.

Expectation // Reciprocation

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the Earth: 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that--it lights the whole sky." -Hafiz, 14th century Persian poet

It's been awhile since I've blogged (more than a year... what?!), so I figured it was about time to start up again. :) Lately, I've just noticed so many people in my life demanding or asking things of others and it's caught me off-guard. Please don't get me wrong--I am the first person to ask for help if I need it. I think that's a major societal flaw we've created in ourselves: Being too proud or too ashamed to ask for help with something. I think it is important to count on and rely on others because we certainly can't do everything alone.

But that's not exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about telling someone at work they "owe" you because you're doing a kind thing and covering their shift because they would like to study for a test or show some school spirit and go to a football game. I'm talking about telling your friends and significant others they need to make time for you specifically because you take time out of your schedule for them and "it's only fair." I'm talking about demanding someone do an assignment for you in the future because you just helped them with something for class they didn't understand.

Why does our kindness always have to be reciprocated? I admit, it's nice to have someone offer to cover my shift when I agree to cover theirs--but it's not necessary. Is appreciation not enough for us anymore? Do we always have to get something in return? This concept confuses me and doesn't make sense in my brain. I've always been the type of person to offer a place to stay, a hot meal, a listening ear, the shirt off my back--whatever you need--without expectations of reciprocation (thanks for raising me to be pretty selfless, Mom and Dad!). Along with that, however, I do not expect most people I interact with to be the same way. We're all unique and have strengths and weaknesses, and perhaps me give-give-giving without ever take-take-taking is MY weakness and why I often get treated like a doormat. But I would prefer to have people think of me with "she is a really caring, giving and reliable person" as opposed to "she does have all those qualities, but... only when she gets something in return." I want to be remembered as a beautiful person--compassionate, positive, enthusiastic and happy (please reference picture below) and I think that would be hard to do with constantly feeling like I'm owed something.

Maybe I'm crazy; I just think it's okay to show kindness without expecting repayment. And I wish a few more people in my life thought along those same lines, just to salvage and maintain the relationships they bring down with their demands. We all enjoy respect and appreciation from others, and frankly, those two things are usually enough for me. :)

**Upon discussing a similar topic with a couple of my ladyfriends, Charlotte's response was "You're like, the best girlfriend ever. Seriously, why don't you have a boyfriend? Actually, screw boys. I'm anti-wiener right now."
^^^Those kinds of laughs are the best kind of repayment for being a good friend -- happiness. :)